I said something to a friend that I felt was inappropriate. I instantly began to criticize and judge myself. To what end. The reality is what has happened, has happened. It cannot be changed. It is what it is.
The truth is that most of what happens occurs from a subconscious automatic and autonomous drive by our minds to keep our inner child safe, loved and worthy. We may interpret what we did as not being appropriate but from a PERSONAL perspective all our thoughts, speech and actions have a skillful intention. For the most part we are not aware of what we are going to do before we do it! Free will is a myth. Conventionally we can only be aware of what has happened after it has happened. Unless we develop mindfulness there is no awareness of the intentionality of our actions before we act.
In the end, all one can do is be responsible for what one does with what one knows. If I have acted inappropriately with my friend and am aware of it only then can I take ownership and act accordingly. Also, what can I learn from what has happened that will help me going forward? I need to reflect on the intentionality of my speech before I speak.
This is not a free get out of jail card. It is simply explaining the underlying process for our speech and actions. Hopefully it will allow one to let go of self-blame and judgment and do what is just skillfully needed.
Don’t beat yourself up for what you did but just take responsibility for how you will skillfully respond to what has happened! Be kind to yourself. The essence of mindfulness is not so much what is present but how are you in relationship with it.
by Dr. Phil Blustein
November 22, 2024