Mindful Musing

I said something to a friend that I felt was inappropriate. I instantly began to criticize and judge myself. To what end. The reality is what has happened, has happened. It cannot be changed. It is what it is.

The truth is that most of what happens occurs from a subconscious automatic and autonomous drive by our minds to keep our inner child safe, loved and worthy. We may interpret what we did as not being appropriate but from a PERSONAL perspective all our thoughts, speech and actions have a skillful intention. For the most part we are not aware of what we are going to do before we do it! Free will is a myth. Conventionally we can only be aware of what has happened after it has happened. Unless we develop mindfulness there is no awareness of the intentionality of our actions before we act.

In the end, all one can do is be responsible for what one does with what one knows. If I have acted inappropriately with my friend and am aware of it only then can I take ownership and act accordingly. Also, what can I learn from what has happened that will help me going forward? I need to reflect on the intentionality of my speech before I speak.

This is not a free get out of jail card. It is simply explaining the underlying process for our speech and actions. Hopefully it will allow one to let go of self-blame and judgment and do what is just skillfully needed.

Don’t beat yourself up for what you did but just take responsibility for how you will skillfully respond to what has happened! Be kind to yourself. The essence of mindfulness is not so much what is present but how are you in relationship with it.

by Dr. Phil Blustein
November 22, 2024

I made a comment the other day to a friend and I felt it was inappropriate. My mind was upset and immediately judged me at the time. It said: “How could I have said that? It was so mean. I am such a bad friend. This is terrible. I am terrible!” In the moment all I was aware of was the self-criticism and not what actually happened. The next day all of a sudden my mind is saying: “This is terrible. How could I have done that.” My mind was reliving the previous experience. However, there was no context for what my mind was saying. There was no recollection of my previous initial conversation with my friend, just the judgment of what I had done.

This is the common way in which we operate. We forget what the initiating event was that led to the judgment. We are predominantly aware of the resistance, approach or avoidance, to the judgment of what has happened rather than what incited the reaction.

Is it possible to bring awareness to what started the process and is this of value? Yes. We have the capacity to develop interest, curiosity and resolve to specifically look for what was the starting experience. One can train the mind to slow down, search and identify the initial stimulus to the judgment. With practice and over time this starts to begin a more automatic response.

At the point one becomes aware of the self-criticism immediately stop and look to see if one can identify what the mind was initially thinking about that triggered the reaction. In identifying the original stimulus and seeing what we create with it we are able to clearly see the process of how we create our reality and sense of self. This helps support non-identification.

It is much easier to be in relationship with the original experience that is neutral in itself prior to the meaning making and selfing. Stepping back to the contact point creates a pause, inhibits mental proliferation and allows a space for intentional focusing on the underlying belief system of our sense of self, that is the basis for self-referential judgment and selfing.

As we know our mind is a meaning making machine. If we can identify the original event before meaning making we have the capacity to rest in that moment and change our reaction to it!

It is important to return to the original point of contact. It is important to look backwards in order to move forwards.

by Dr. Phil Blustein
November 8, 2024

When we face what we believe is a stressful situation our normal reaction is to deny, minimize or run from what is present. Who wants to get closer to the fire? It seems contradictory but mindfulness asks one to approach and become more intimate with what troubles you. How does this work? If we are always running away from what scares us we never get to truly know what it is. Perhaps our fears are like the Wizard of Oz who was just a frightened old man. We make our fears larger than they are. They are often a misrepresentation of what really is there. If we are able to approach what bothers us we have the possibility of discovering the truth. We create the courage to be present. We can provide reassurance and comfort to our inner woundedness so that it feels supported and not alone.

One way to hold our fear is through our bodies. Our thoughts, emotions and body are intimately connected. What is expressed in one is expressed in the other. When we are anxious it can be very helpful to bring one’s attention to the body and just feel what is being expressed. It is a great way to get out of our judging and ruminating mind. It is important to stay with the sensation until it ends. We need to allow the trapped somatic energy to move through us, be metabolized and released. One needs to trust that our bodies know what to do.

The other way to hold our stress is cognitively. Our minds have a personal characteristic way of criticizing us. It could be: “I am so bad. I am terrible. I keep making mistakes.” If one can just allow the same judgmental phrase to be spontaneously and autonomously repeated it will slowly dissipate and extinguish. Another form of release and letting go.

by Dr. Phil Blustein
October 18, 2024

Playing pickleball is a great way to understand the conventional way we function and the path to mindfulness. When you play pickleball there are hard and unexpected shots coming at you. There is a lot fear of being hit and hurt. One is impulsive and reactive. One is in a defensive position. The ball seems to be moving so fast. One can’t keep one’s eye on what is happening, the ball. One is reaching out to hit the ball before it has even arrived. One feels contracted and tight and this is reflected in one’s shots. The goal initially is to just get the ball over the net as long as it stays in. There is no plan or clarity for strategic play.

As one’s play improves there is a shift in the game. One becomes more relaxed and responsive. One waits for the ball to come to you before striking. The game seems to slow down and there is a greater opportunity to be present with ease and clarity in knowing how one is going to consciously and strategically respond.

This progression is just like how one operates in the world. We initially react subconsciously with a desire to defend ourselves. Often our reactions are impulsive and hurtful. With time as one develops insight and compassion there is a shift. One becomes more relaxed with less impulsivity. One is able to consciously and skillfully respond from a place of openness, acceptance, wisdom and clarity.

by Dr. Phil Blustein
October 3, 2024

REFRAME IT TO TAME IT

Another way to tamp down the instantaneous autonomous reaction to what one encounters is to reframe it to tame it.

Bring to mind a previous negative thought and the reaction you had and relive it from the place of stability and responsiveness in this moment. For example, I had made plans with a friend to get together and they did not call me back. What quickly unfolded was a judgement that my friend was uncaring and disinterested in me. Perhaps I wasn’t good enough to have this person as my friend. I felt angry and hurt.

The initial thought was just the beginning of the boulder rolling down the hill. It just needed a slight push and then momentum carried it on. This is the way our minds work. What we initially observe morphs quickly into self-referential judgment.

However, in this controlled setting I can approach my mind differently. Initially identify the presenting event just as an OBSERVATION, without any interpretation or meaning making. My friend did not call me.

Then name the subsequent self-referential judgment. Identify the story your mind makes up. My friend did not call me and I feel unlovable.

Finally, inquire what would a skillful response be to the initial observation without it being referenced to your sense of self. Ask yourself: “What needs to be done if it isn’t about me?” I need to call my friend and find out what happened.

What is important to realize is that unless I inquire directly and truly know the facts of what happened my judgment and meaning making is make believe. There can be multiple reasons my friend did not call independent of what it means about me.

One is trying to build a different reflexive response to the normal conditioned functioning of the mind. To create a shift from judgment to observation. To create a shift from judgment to the insight that the reaction is me just feeling not loved as a result of triggering of a historic inner child wounding. The other critical aspect is the recognition that the self is a conditioned created construct. To identify with it will lead to suffering.

To counter the reactivity with responsiveness. To not even create a problem in the first place.

The other approach is to take what has just happened in the last moment in terms of a thought or interaction with someone and immediately replay it in this constructive light before there is a chance for one’s mind to react. These similar self-critical thoughts in response to experiences for whatever reason will predictably play out repetitively throughout the day. Consider that we have approximately 60000 thoughts a day and 90% are repetitive! Our minds are on a constant loop of playing the same story. If your mind has criticized you over something you did today rest assured it will do it again, and again and again.

In the above example, where my friend did not call me, even before my mind has had a chance to create a story and self-judge I play out the scenario of one’s possible probable potential self-referential reaction, then just the observation of my friend’s behaviour and finally the non-self-referential skillful response to what was observed.

As one repeatedly replays proactively or reactively one’s experiences there can be a retraining of the mind so that there is a spontaneous shift from conventional self-referential judgment to a new skillful response.

To summarize the three components are:

* Observation
* Identify the Self-referential judgment
* Explore a Skillful non-self-referential response

by Dr. Phil Blustein
September 20, 2024