REFRAME IT TO TAME IT
Another way to tamp down the instantaneous autonomous reaction to what one encounters is to reframe it to tame it.
Bring to mind a previous negative thought and the reaction you had and relive it from the place of stability and responsiveness in this moment. For example, I had made plans with a friend to get together and they did not call me back. What quickly unfolded was a judgement that my friend was uncaring and disinterested in me. Perhaps I wasn’t good enough to have this person as my friend. I felt angry and hurt.
The initial thought was just the beginning of the boulder rolling down the hill. It just needed a slight push and then momentum carried it on. This is the way our minds work. What we initially observe morphs quickly into self-referential judgment.
However, in this controlled setting I can approach my mind differently. Initially identify the presenting event just as an OBSERVATION, without any interpretation or meaning making. My friend did not call me.
Then name the subsequent self-referential judgment. Identify the story your mind makes up. My friend did not call me and I feel unlovable.
Finally, inquire what would a skillful response be to the initial observation without it being referenced to your sense of self. Ask yourself: “What needs to be done if it isn’t about me?” I need to call my friend and find out what happened.
What is important to realize is that unless I inquire directly and truly know the facts of what happened my judgment and meaning making is make believe. There can be multiple reasons my friend did not call independent of what it means about me.
One is trying to build a different reflexive response to the normal conditioned functioning of the mind. To create a shift from judgment to observation. To create a shift from judgment to the insight that the reaction is me just feeling not loved as a result of triggering of a historic inner child wounding. The other critical aspect is the recognition that the self is a conditioned created construct. To identify with it will lead to suffering.
To counter the reactivity with responsiveness. To not even create a problem in the first place.
The other approach is to take what has just happened in the last moment in terms of a thought or interaction with someone and immediately replay it in this constructive light before there is a chance for one’s mind to react. These similar self-critical thoughts in response to experiences for whatever reason will predictably play out repetitively throughout the day. Consider that we have approximately 60000 thoughts a day and 90% are repetitive! Our minds are on a constant loop of playing the same story. If your mind has criticized you over something you did today rest assured it will do it again, and again and again.
In the above example, where my friend did not call me, even before my mind has had a chance to create a story and self-judge I play out the scenario of one’s possible probable potential self-referential reaction, then just the observation of my friend’s behaviour and finally the non-self-referential skillful response to what was observed.
As one repeatedly replays proactively or reactively one’s experiences there can be a retraining of the mind so that there is a spontaneous shift from conventional self-referential judgment to a new skillful response.
To summarize the three components are:
* Observation
* Identify the Self-referential judgment
* Explore a Skillful non-self-referential response
by Dr. Phil Blustein
September 20, 2024