meditation

Let us explore some strategies that anticipate the use of mindfulness. Do you find that when you come into contact with an internal or external stimulus that there is an instantaneous reaction that you did not consciously think about? You saw someone in the street and instantly there is a judgment that they are too fat or thin, stylish or unfashionable, smart or dumb. When you talk to a friend and they mention their health, holidays, job, car, family is there an instantaneous comparison of who you are relative to them? Better or worse. Superior or inferior? When you eat your food, walk down the street, be in nature, spend time with family or a friend do you immediately skip being with what is present and jump to your relationship with the experience. A relationship of resistance with either approach or avoidance. Self-criticism and judgment!

In all of our encounters are you ever able to be with what actually is rather than further meaning making and selfing? No time to enjoy and savor what is present. Our minds are conditioned to subconsciously, automatically and autonomously self-referentially judge everything. We become aware only after our minds have determined what this moment means about you and what needs to be done to feel safe, loved and worthy.

Is there a way to break out of this mindless auto-pilot reaction? This lack of control over our relationship with our experience? Can we come to each moment prepared to act mindfully? Can we proactively respond rather than react unconsciously? We need to be prepared for engaging in life that will interrupt the automaticity of what one normally does. There are several approaches that I would like to outline.

Be with what is as it is

Not what I make it to be, need it to be, want it to be, believe it to be!

INTENTIONALITY

Before we speak, act or think there is an intentionality for our actions. We act for a specific reason. Conventionally we are not aware of what we plan to do and why. We are just swept away in the rapid unfolding of our processing mind. This is all a subconscious automatic and autonomous process to meet one’s unmet psychological needs. The truth is that normally the:

Intentionality for Intentionality is NOT Intentional

However, the intentionality can be known if we learn to bring awareness to what our minds and hearts are planning to do BEFORE we act. We need to slow down, pause and specifically look for the intentionality that precedes what we will do in the next moment. We are training ourselves to look forward! As one trains one’s mind to look for the intentionality slowly this will become an automatic and spontaneous action rather than a reflective process. We react instantly to a stimulus but this is followed by a natural pause that may allow for discerning reflection. It is in this pause that we can search for the intentionality. We can understand intentionality from the two perspectives of what one plans to do next and the reason for it.

Before we speak we actually will internally say what we are planning to say out loud in the next instant. We can choose to listen skillfully to become aware of what we plan to say next and the intentionality for our speech. Before we actually move there is a knowing of what we are going to do. We can bring specific awareness to the subsequent intended action of cutting of our food with a knife, standing up, lying down, going to the toilet, walking etc. Before our next thought we can become aware of the internal dialogue going on in our minds that reflects the current energy and inclination that can be predictive of what our next thought will be.

Awareness of intentionality can be supported by asking WAIT at the moment we become aware of what we are aware of.

WAIT

Why am I thinking this?

What am I trying to do?

Why am I talking

One needs to be intentional to look for the intentionality! Awareness of the intentionality of what we plan to do next creates an anticipatory mindfulness. This allows one to be prepared to specifically look for what is intended to happen next and choose how to respond rather than react.

Intentionality Exercise

One can help cultivate this preparatory mindfulness by intentionally choosing a movement, thought or speech and then bringing awareness to the subsequent actualized action. For example, I would think: “I am going to get up. I am going to scratch my nose. I am going to reach for the pen. I am going to say hello or ask a question of my friend who is with me. I am going to create an intentional thought about something.” One will then be prepared to witness and be engaged with the subsequent action. This will help to create a habit of bringing anticipatory mindfulness to the subsequent planned action.

The other option to practice this awareness is to bring an intentional awareness to what your mind wants to do in the next moment. Just wait and observe to see what your mind is going to ask of you. Then you are prepared to respond rather than react.

by Dr. Phil Blustein
May 2, 2024

Non-attachment or Detachment

The contemporary definition of mindfulness as suggested by Jon Kabat-Zinn is “Awareness of the present moment on purpose non-judgmentally.” The essence of the definition is in the word non-judgmental. Does this mean non-attachment or detachment?

When I hear non-judgmental what is evoked in me is a sense of separation and distancing in order to observe and restrain one’s natural inclination to judge. Merriam-Webster defines detachment as “The action or process of detaching, separation.” Cambridge dictionary defines it “as not being involved in a situation.” 

I don’t believe that the true intent of this definition of mindfulness is to be detached.

Mindfulness is a process of being in a skillful relationship with wisdom and compassion with the present moment. It is about “being” with what is present. Being engaged, intimate and fully feeling what is being experienced. But with non-attachment!

Mindfulness is about being non-attached. Non-attached to the sense of self that we create and is a temporary ephemeral conditioned construct. 

Can we be with the experience

Not the one that is having the experience

by Dr. Phil Blustein
April 19, 2024

What am I doing that I don’t like about myself?
What am I doing that you don’t like about yourself?

What are you doing that I don’t like about myself?
What are you doing that you don’t like about yourself?

Every moment is a dynamic dance between a judgment of other and oneself. What is the other person doing that reminds me of an action I don’t like about myself? What am I doing that I don’t like about myself? This meaning making is also performed by the other person we are in relationship with. We often miss the important factor of recognizing how our relationship in every moment is predominantly about seeing how it reflects on who we believe we are.

When confronted with self-criticism PAUSE and ASK THESE QUESTIONS!

by Dr. Phil Blustein
April 5, 2024

Some people believe that mindfulness implies having a silent mind. No thoughts! Let us be clear about this. The only way to have a silent mind is to be in a coma or dead. And that is not the intent of mindfulness. Our minds are thinking and meaning making machines and it is our natural human tendency to think. However, with continued practice of mindfulness there will be a progressive quieting of the constantly thinking mind. But the essence of mindfulness is not about a silent mind but how one is in relationship with the thinking mind. Can one be present with what is as it is without the meaning making referenced to one’s belief of one’s sense of self and identification with it? Can one be present with awareness, openness, engagement and allowing of the experience?

Mindfulness is Not Freedom from the Thinking Mind

But Freedom to be WITH the Thinking Mind

by Dr. Phil Blustein
March 21, 2024

If someone has acted in a way that is unskillful towards me then they have wronged me. They owe me an apology. Hopefully, I am able to forgive them for what they have done. Let us look at this more closely. The action has happened and one can’t change that. But the critical question is what is the true intent for their action? Every single one of us has a history about who we believe we are based primarily on unmet psychological needs and inner child wounding. Our stories and subsequent reactions play out automatically, spontaneously, autonomously and subconsciously. Every action is an attempt to make us feel safe, loved and worthy. Do you know what your next thought will be? What you will say? What you will do? It is questionable if we really have free will. What is happening is that our brains subconsciously process what is being experienced and then it comes into our consciousness. We believe we thought it but in reality, we are just aware of what our mind has already created.

We are all victims of our history. We act to compensate for our perceived deficiencies and inadequacies. From that perspective every action is skillful from a personal perspective. We are just trying to survive in this world.

More extreme behavior such as stealing, using drugs and alcohol to excess, harming others and acting without control are just behaviours and strategies that individuals learned in order to survive from what is often perhaps a more extreme history of physical, sexual and emotional abuse as a child.

In understanding this universal misguided intentionality, perhaps we don’t need to forgive someone for their actions but bring an understanding to why they have done what they have done. This understanding also applies to ourself. We are all the same in the sense that we act unknowingly.

If we just knew their and our own story there would be no need to forgive. In understanding that we act from a place of suffering, in response we would act from a place of compassion for self and other.

However, even though we act from an intention to survive, we are still responsible for our actions and need to express regret, take responsibility and act to make amends as indicated.

by Dr. Phil Blustein
March 8, 2024