Wellness Through Mindfulness

Non-attachment or Detachment

The contemporary definition of mindfulness as suggested by Jon Kabat-Zinn is “Awareness of the present moment on purpose non-judgmentally.” The essence of the definition is in the word non-judgmental. Does this mean non-attachment or detachment?

When I hear non-judgmental what is evoked in me is a sense of separation and distancing in order to observe and restrain one’s natural inclination to judge. Merriam-Webster defines detachment as “The action or process of detaching, separation.” Cambridge dictionary defines it “as not being involved in a situation.” 

I don’t believe that the true intent of this definition of mindfulness is to be detached.

Mindfulness is a process of being in a skillful relationship with wisdom and compassion with the present moment. It is about “being” with what is present. Being engaged, intimate and fully feeling what is being experienced. But with non-attachment!

Mindfulness is about being non-attached. Non-attached to the sense of self that we create and is a temporary ephemeral conditioned construct. 

Can we be with the experience

Not the one that is having the experience

by Dr. Phil Blustein
April 19, 2024

What am I doing that I don’t like about myself?
What am I doing that you don’t like about yourself?

What are you doing that I don’t like about myself?
What are you doing that you don’t like about yourself?

Every moment is a dynamic dance between a judgment of other and oneself. What is the other person doing that reminds me of an action I don’t like about myself? What am I doing that I don’t like about myself? This meaning making is also performed by the other person we are in relationship with. We often miss the important factor of recognizing how our relationship in every moment is predominantly about seeing how it reflects on who we believe we are.

When confronted with self-criticism PAUSE and ASK THESE QUESTIONS!

by Dr. Phil Blustein
April 5, 2024

Some people believe that mindfulness implies having a silent mind. No thoughts! Let us be clear about this. The only way to have a silent mind is to be in a coma or dead. And that is not the intent of mindfulness. Our minds are thinking and meaning making machines and it is our natural human tendency to think. However, with continued practice of mindfulness there will be a progressive quieting of the constantly thinking mind. But the essence of mindfulness is not about a silent mind but how one is in relationship with the thinking mind. Can one be present with what is as it is without the meaning making referenced to one’s belief of one’s sense of self and identification with it? Can one be present with awareness, openness, engagement and allowing of the experience?

Mindfulness is Not Freedom from the Thinking Mind

But Freedom to be WITH the Thinking Mind

by Dr. Phil Blustein
March 21, 2024

If someone has acted in a way that is unskillful towards me then they have wronged me. They owe me an apology. Hopefully, I am able to forgive them for what they have done. Let us look at this more closely. The action has happened and one can’t change that. But the critical question is what is the true intent for their action? Every single one of us has a history about who we believe we are based primarily on unmet psychological needs and inner child wounding. Our stories and subsequent reactions play out automatically, spontaneously, autonomously and subconsciously. Every action is an attempt to make us feel safe, loved and worthy. Do you know what your next thought will be? What you will say? What you will do? It is questionable if we really have free will. What is happening is that our brains subconsciously process what is being experienced and then it comes into our consciousness. We believe we thought it but in reality, we are just aware of what our mind has already created.

We are all victims of our history. We act to compensate for our perceived deficiencies and inadequacies. From that perspective every action is skillful from a personal perspective. We are just trying to survive in this world.

More extreme behavior such as stealing, using drugs and alcohol to excess, harming others and acting without control are just behaviours and strategies that individuals learned in order to survive from what is often perhaps a more extreme history of physical, sexual and emotional abuse as a child.

In understanding this universal misguided intentionality, perhaps we don’t need to forgive someone for their actions but bring an understanding to why they have done what they have done. This understanding also applies to ourself. We are all the same in the sense that we act unknowingly.

If we just knew their and our own story there would be no need to forgive. In understanding that we act from a place of suffering, in response we would act from a place of compassion for self and other.

However, even though we act from an intention to survive, we are still responsible for our actions and need to express regret, take responsibility and act to make amends as indicated.

by Dr. Phil Blustein
March 8, 2024

We all have a story about who we believe we are. That defines us. What do we do with it? Do we rewrite our historic trauma to create a new “truth?” Do we fix what is wrong with us? I believe there is a potential problem in reframing our personal narrative. It is our wounded inner child that is talking to us that has felt not listened to and powerless. In reappraisal of our history this implies to our child that its belief about one’s wounding is not the truth. That there is a better way to be. That the child again is impotent. It is not credible or worthy of being listened to.

Healing occurs by the capacity to be present with what the child has to say. To just listen without resistance. With acceptance and openness. In holding of the story in this manner this lets the child know that it is safe, loved and worthy. That it is held with compassion and love. This offers the child the strength to be present with the critical stories knowing that there is a supportive presence to help. This allows for a progressive disentanglement from the held story that defines you. Perhaps what is being created is a new form of attachment with one’s parents that is kind and supportive.

In being willing to just listen without resistance to what is being said this reveals the nature of one’s wounding. It provides a wonderful insight to understand why you create your interpretation of the moment and how one is in relationship with it.

This is mindfulness. It is not about rewriting our story but creating the possibility for our child to safely tell its story in order to be heard, be with it and let it go.

by Dr. Phil Blustein
February 16, 2024